Friday, February 21, 2014


Been February. Oh, February! I let January go without any single post. Nobody cares, anyway, me included. I didn't make any resolution. Then now I remember my 2012 resolution (that I made in 2011). I was writing it on a piece of paper in my lovely note. Clearly I wrote some points there: (1) has a good relationship (failed) (2) get an offer to go abroad (failed) (3) write a novel (superb failed).. #akurapopo

Of course I'm fine. First, I changed some of those three resolutions in the mid 2012. Second, ah, there's no the second one. So let me explain the first and the only thing. 2011 I is totally different from the year after. I was writing those three when I was teaching in Pare - the first period one. I made them even months - far before 2012 came. I was just so into Indonesia Mengajar. You may check my past posts about it. I was the one who chased for result and was so ignorant to the adventure of process. I got big things in 2012: writing (in Indonesian) class with Pak Guru, learning how to actually read books, and learning about learning itself. I then made a big step - leaving (for a while) my teaching passion for my new-yet-old dream: writing. I didn't dream that high in 2012. I still wanted (and want) to have my own novel, but I cancelled to pursue it in 2012. I just hoped that God always permit me to enjoy the progress, without being too confused about the result. Hence, I learned about patience, indeed.

That was about the novel (read: writing). The second resolution of course until now is completely a wreck. I think about it later, since in 2012 and in big portions of 2013, I didn't find any reason to go abroad. But now I keep thinking about living there. Ha. Think it later think it later think it later. The first resolution remained, and as you've read, I failed... #akurapopo. Yet I learned a lot. And am totally fine with the first resolution. It's just no good being the stubborn one.

Yes, stubborn. It was so hard for me to letting go the past, moreover the memory. Doesn't mean now I'm pretty good at it though. I just forgot that sometimes what happened was just what must happen. And what must happen, sometimes really good for us to move forward. Hadn't I started a new fresh sheet in 2012, I wouldn't have moved. I guess I would only become a hypocrite woman trying to be a pseudo wise one. Not that the present I is wise. At that time my past was still haunting me. The fact that he "easily" married a woman whose appearance we used not to like, kept grumbling in my head. And many other reasons for apology. Then someone came. I was so into him. And those ex matters, were simply vanished. Just like that.

In early 2013, when I really ended my bad relation(ship) with that one (who I was so into), I got my silaturrahmi back with my ex, also with his wife. That is my most amazing moment in 2013. I even saw their cute little girl Nafisa. Feels like I close one, then get the old back. Feels like those shitty things happened because I must move on. That happened because I was too stubborn to let everything go. Now I think if I'd been not that stubborn, I wouldn't have needed the other move on. But now that I've moved on from both (I hope), everything is completely fine. So yes, indeed, #akurapopo.

I know it was just my head trying to rationalize everything. But I guess life is all about moving your head into some thoughts, moving your heart into some feelings, and moving your soul into some silences. I signify therefore I am - although there is no "I" in post-structuralist. I'm still unable to eliminate myself. I'm still in this level and don't want to move to the higher one (yet): to the step where there is no I, just like what post-structuralist suggests. But still, that notion is the most rational and the best one. I follow. But just not now (WHATEVER).

February 2014, my resolution is still 1280x800. I have some offerings to get the new one, to change it. But because I love my Acy so much, I won't let him go. I want the new one under the terms that he still be mine (I will then have two resolutions! Fantastic!). So I don't take any offer, and I'm still having fun with him. Now I learn to be an easy going one, not to try to be so stubborn about what has happened. Just happen, and I'll face. I may cry once, and that's enough. Then I see the light, I have my chin up. I know I'm still single, and #akurapopo..

"But you didn't have to cut me off/
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing//
I don't even need your love/
But you treated me like a stranger
And that feels so rough//
[Gotye feat. Kimbra, Somebody that I used to Know]