1.
I've been practicing more and more Vipassana meditation now, thanks to virtual group sittings held by some centers around the world due to the pandemic season. I got the information more or less in July about it, kind of perfect timing as I was kind of in the difficult situation. Covid is indeed hard for most of people, but I find it as like other of my time, where I just find myself there. When I'm not working, my daily routine is definitely facing my own vulnerabilities (which I'm proud of). So, it's not that big deal, until, of course, when I start investing feelings to this creature called man. I remember how hard it was in around April/May to find the balance/being mindful, as practicing the daily meditation needs tons of effort. I tried though. One of its ways was by conducting my own retreat (no centers opened at that time). It was kind of two or three days without phone/communication, and some hours of meditation. I also tried not to read at that time. At the end of the day, I'd play the recording of the discourse by S.N. Goenka. The takeaway of my self-conducted retreat, except the realization of its difficulties, was more about the consistency of the practice, of how the silence gave me a refresh rate, sort of a restart - a condition which I hope clear some of those sufferings.
2.
When I had to get back to Yogyakarta and finally moved to a new place, I had the opportunity to sit up to three hours a day, following the virtual group sittings' schedule. One in the morning at 9AM, one at 6PM, and one at 9PM. Three of those were conducted by two centers in the US (CA and MA). Each hour has wonderful Q&A sessions with assistant teacher (AT), usually takes 5-20 minutes, depending on the AT. They also have 1-1 session to interview AT (weekly). It means that besides I benefit from the shared energy that the group sitting generates, I also get the opportunity to reflect my Vipassana practices - whether I use the technique correctly or wrongly and which part I have to improve. I had tons of confusions. I asked some questions already, and along with the answers for other students' questions, also with the revised version of my sittings, those confusions were gradually answered. Now I sort of can predict what the ATs would answer should there be questions raised. It indeed really helped. I had the confusion about boundaries and how we couldn't react (note that Vipassana is about being equanimous - about less reactive) to those who crossed my boundaries. One teacher at that time answered: "use the daily two hour meditations for our boundaries, and you'll see how you face that situation". I totally see now. The sitting was then, my way to build my own boundaries (re: self love).
The problem of the notion of being less/not reactive is how this sounds that we must avoid being reactive. From the daily practices, and with the confirmation from ATs, it's not at all about avoiding things. The acceptance is the key. When my mind is difficult to focus, I would accept the feelings/emotions/thoughts/etc., and amazingly the more I surrender, the faster such "difficult" feelings go away. But it's not always the case though, so when the sensations keep occurring I just need to remain OK. Kind of it is what it is. I guess we can't keep control things, can we? That's exactly what I did before I really understand what equanimity/acceptance/surrender is. What happened when I misinterpreted the surrendering part was that I multiplied the emotions, so even though I tried to remained OK with the sensations, I actually created heavier emotions - kind of the best way to waste my energy. Lol, sooooo noobs.
This also applies for the cravings/hatings - our initial sufferings. For noobs like me, the ability to be aware that those sufferings are there, that my body generates sensations when such emotions/thoughts occur, is already an achievement. One AT also answered my question related to being easily triggered after I sit more regularly. She said that the more we sit, the more we get sensitive, but keep practicing to understand and master it more the notion of anicca (by practicing of course). First step is always the awareness of those sensations, and then I have to accept that the sensations are there, not deny it as denying will just multiply the feelings.
3.
The most recent insights that I understand is about the frequency. As the more I practice the Vipassana, the more sensitive I am to energies - it's easy for me to feel others' emotions. When I think about this, it's kind of inevitable, it's positive, that we cannot control things. We are always in the entanglement of energies. We cannot avoid it even when we run away to the farthest cave, as, even the mere small thoughts still can reach us - from our closest ones for instance. The waves of the energy is everywhere. There's no way to escape from this situation, so the logic way is only acceptance. To make it even sound more intellectual, lol, when we finally master the equanimity by observing the sensations throughout our body, we accept and not let our frequency/vibration/energy get affected too long by other energies. When we really master it, logically speaking, we will vibrate more and more, we will raise the frequency, and when there are other energies colliding with ours, it will seem that we are not affected and remain at our vibration, while what really happens is that our selves have developed the ability to go back to remain equanimous even when we encounter other energies. Frequency is "the number of occurrences of a repeating event per unit of time" (Wikipedia), thus when we feel negative interference, it substracts our frequency and the only way to overcome this is by vibrating higher to overcome the loss. Staying equanimous is just the best way to refill the gap.
I know the feelings when I'm at higher frequency - it's similar to the feeling when I'm walking and being connected to people when I conduct the fieldwork (not when burned out though). My body feels so light and at the same time my mind automatically doesn't have negative thoughts. And I also have the realization about the gap of frequency with people. Once I get used to higher frequency, and since it's beneficial, I kind of feel not comfortable being around those with lower frequency too long - well, maybe one or two days is fine as I don't mind recharging, but it can't be so with longer terms connection, as I will need to adjust/share my frequency. Now I guess, the answer from AT about boundaries above becomes more and more reasonable :)
