Early of this Ramadhan tasted so nano-nano. Many news struck my head just like big crash on some car's bumper. It was obviously well, stressing. But Ramadhan always has its warmest smile. The smile that always leads you to the (almost) perfect silence. The smile that always ends you up into you: into the deeper self of yours. At least that is the meaning of Ramadhan for me.
Although actually I was a bit disappointed - of course to myself. First of all I didn't prepare that well for Ramadhan. Just so different than a year before when I was in Pare. See, things were falling down brutally sharp before it had started. A year ago, I was in my best condition as me. Having Rinjani and Semeru as my biggest spiritual moment, and completed heart after six months teaching Grammar Speaking. The so-positive soul for my perfect Ramadhan. And yes, last-year Ramadhan was perfect, too (although I'm sure I haven't had that Lailatul Qadar yet). I prepared for social academic world so bad. Learning philosophy, reading (so slowly) of some (only) books, having sufi discussions, and still, taking a leap of faith (Inception 2010) by whispering some mantras to diminish the fears of facing the world that was completely out of my reach. Turned out what I had prepared was not that in line with the world I was facing. It was a bit away from that complicated-looked world. Yes, but that's okay since that was still so typically me..
So I felt a bit terrible at the beginning of this Ramadhan for not preparing it so well before. For being such a bad ass because I was just facing this Ramadhan with this pokerface . Yes, thanks for your congratulation.
And second, because of not that positive soul, even so negative actually, this Ramadhan is worse than last year. This reality is so frustrating. Although I understand so well that reality always sucks, still I feel so disappointed - to, once again, myself. Last year, I was so passionate about reciting Qur'an, having those salat sunnahs, reciting Qur'an again, salat sunnah again, and of course having many prayers. So much, I guess. Ramadhan today? I started so bad. So bad.
Being in the environment that keeps hegemony-ing you that no one can hegemony you, not even the person that you really love, makes these whole matters more and more complicated, that surely it's too complicated to elaborate here. Main point is, all of things inside my head keep crumbling (and crumbling (and crumbling)). The very first thing I believe, I questioned. It was just a small thing anyway, since I have questioned this very first thing long time ago. What matters is, yes those things: I don't believe in everything!!! It's like this environment keeps saying: Nobody can dominate you! Nobody can hegemony you!. And you guys know how it feels? It feels as if you are the strongest, the biggest, and before you realize what is happening, you, yourself, is so linglung - floating. On, and on.. And there you are standing: a self with no identity. A self with the identity that has already gone. A self who's out of the game because you reject the rule (Bourdieu 1993). Then now, at least I know what hegemony really means. I must be hegemon-ied to make sure I have myself. And here I am, in my some-more-days of Ramadhan, fixing what I could fix. I really hope so. It's only some days left, oh myyyyy....
So now I keep chasing my-last-year Ramadhan reach. Reciting Al-Qur'an more and more to at least khatam for twice (had one already), fixing my mind about those sunnahs (still a bit dumb), trying to have the spirit of prayer (some efforts to go), and selecting things I should follow for my best hegemon-iers. And now, maybe, I should think about this environment, the well, a bit stupid one, that keeps hegemony me that nobody can hegemony me. I should consider it as the bad hegemony agent that I should not follow. Maybe I should..
Maybe life should be faced with so many things falling apart. Maybe there's person out there saying that package is more important (and perhaps the most important one), just as like mentioned in this sentence:
NI ORANG KADANG GA PEDULI DENGAN "KEMASAN",
SAMBIL TERUS MEYAKINKAN DIRI
KALO "ISI" LEBIH PENTING DIBANDING KEMASAN... (stupid one 2011)
But at least I understand enough that "convincing" myself that this is what I am is absolutely different from what you call: deluding yourself that this is what you are for any reason that the very you, the real you never will understand. At least I don't fake identity, and at least I still try to put honesty over everything.
About the so-offensive last paragraph above, it was the prolog for the next post. A post that (will) contains one-and-a-half year personal project. So keep waiting, since I must focus fixing my Ramadhan first..